Midnight Bottle
by angellwings
Summary: Natella: Ella can't sleep and spends an entire night thinking back on her relationship with Nate. Based on the Colbie Caillat song "Midnight Bottle".


**A/N: ** So this will officially be my longest one shot ever. Desperate Hour is my second longest one shot with nearly 8700 words. And A Fine Mess comes in third with 6400 words. Those are Natellas too, by the way. I'd like to thank _Poet on the Run_ for helping me make this story first person. I decided I wanted to write in first person somewhere around page 7 of this 19 page beast, and she offered to edit the first 7 pages for me. So she's totally awesome and deserves a round of applause and a digital cookie. Haha.

**ALSO: **The Indie CR Awards are starting up for the summer! I encouraged you guys to go nominate, and apparently you did. Myself and, my good friend, Standard-Ang3l have both been nominated for a lot of stuff. Between the two of us we're the only ones in the Best Nate/Ella category. Well, thank you to anyone who nominated! And I wanted to let you guys know that the first round of voting is now open and will be until July 1st!

Here's the link to go vote (take out the parentheses, and it will work):

(ht)(tp)(:/)(/) (bit)(.) (ly) /mHcVmX

I'm also going to put the link in my profile. But, please, **go vote!**

Happy reading!

angellwings

* * *

><p>Midnight Bottle<p>

By angellwings

"_I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down,_

_A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before_

_When everything felt so right._

_If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain,_

_From all these feelings drivin' me insane_

_I think of you and everything's alright."_

_-Colbie Caillat, "Midnight Bottle"_

* * *

><p>I couldn't sleep.<p>

It wasn't so much that I didn't want to sleep—I did. Believe me, I did. I just…_couldn't_. I hadn't been able to sleep for days now. Since the last time I'd seen Nate, to be exact. Had it only been days? It felt much longer. What was our fight even about?

_Oh. Right,_ I thought, groaning as I remembered. He forgot about me for nearly two weeks while he was on tour. I'd called him and left him messages, but he'd never once called me back or texted me or even _e-mailed_ me. I realized Nate tended to get caught up in work, but _two weeks_ of no contact tended to make a girl feel neglected and unwanted.

And then he just _showed up_ at my apartment when he got back like he hadn't disappeared for two weeks. He acted like it was no big deal, and then got mad at_ me_. He said I was over reacting and that he didn't owe me any sort of explanation.

Which, whether he realized it or not, spoke volumes to me about where he was with our relationship. He wasn't as serious about us as I was. We'd been dating for almost six months, and yet he had acted like we'd only been on a few dates. If our entire relationship was going to be like that then I didn't know if it was what I wanted. I was in love with _him_ but it was clear that he wasn't in love with _me_. He liked me, yes. He had a good time with me, yes. He might have even missed me while he was gone, but it was obvious that he wasn't in it for a commitment to me.

It hurt because I wanted that commitment from him and I wanted to commit to him, too. I didn't want things between us to end before we really even had a chance to get started, but what choice did I have? I couldn't be the only one putting the work into the relationship. It didn't work that way.

I huffed and kicked the covers off my legs. My bare feet hit the hardwood and I padded down the hall to my kitchen. I don't know why I even tried to sleep tonight. I knew it wasn't going to happen. I entered the kitchen and pulled a half drunk bottle of wine from the refrigerator. I poured myself a glass and then hopped up to sit on the counter. Things had been going really well before Nate left for his tour. At least I'd thought so.

Anytime we weren't working, we were together. At his place or mine, it didn't matter where. Well, except for _out_. We never went _out_. That should have been a sign, I suppose. But I'd thought he was trying to protect my privacy as well as his own, but maybe…maybe he didn't want to announce it to the world and the press because he knew it would end. Because he didn't see a future with me. I sighed and took a sip from my glass.

I didn't want to think about the depressing things any more. I wanted to think about the good times. Like the day Nate and I had first _connected_. The first time I'd thought that maybe I could potentially feel something more than friendship for him. Again it had to do with a tour, but for that tour I'd been with Connect Three. I'd been in charge of their tour wardrobe. It was hard to believe that, for me at least, all of this had started while I was sick.

* * *

><p><em>Of course I would get food poisoning during my first ever tour. It was just my luck. I wouldn't be Ella if something like this didn't happen to me. Mitchie had been playing mom since I woke up at 3 AM feeling miserable. The first time I ran to the bathroom, Mitchie followed me and pulled my hair back in an elastic tie and handed me a cool rag. Then she moved my sheets and quilt and pillows out to the couch that was nearest to the bus bathroom. <em>

_The shaking and wobbling of the tour bus didn't help my stomach. _At all._ All day long. people had been telling me to sleep. Sleep would be the best thing for me. Just sleep it off, Ella! You'll be right as rain in no time! But there was no way that was going to happen. Mitchie had been working hard to try to make me feel better. She'd even brought the guys in on it. Shane had spent a good portion of the morning trying to make me laugh and take my mind off it. Surprisingly, it had actually worked. He'd spent nearly an hour and a half watching ridiculous and hilarious YouTube videos with me, and then when we'd pulled in at a truck stop, Jason had gotten off the bus to get a few things. _

_I had been shocked when he came back with more sick day supplies than I would ever need. He even bought a few things I didn't really need. I had two boxes of saltines, multiple boxes of tea bags in various flavors, a two liter of Sprite, a two liter of Ginger Ale, a loaf of bread for all the dry toast I could manage to keep down, two boxes of tissues, a large bottle of motrin (which was one of the things I didn't really need), a digital thermometer, and a pack of dinosaur shaped Silly Bands (another thing I didn't really need. Although, I was surprised that Jason knew about my closet obsession with dinosaurs)._

_And now, apparently, Mitchie thought it was Nate's turn to pitch in. Of all the guys, I knew the least about Nate. We were friends, sure, but I didn't know him as well as I knew Jason or Shane. We didn't really tease each other, there were no casual touches between us, and we certainly didn't have any inside jokes. So, it made sense that I was surprised when Nate knocked on the narrow door frame that led to the back common room on the bus. _

"_Hi," he said as he cleared his throat._

_I forced a small smile despite the nauseous feeling in my stomach. "Hi."_

"_Feeling any better?" he asked. _

"_Not really," I told him honestly. I moved to sit up and then closed my eyes tightly as my stomach seemed to flip and my throat constricted. Cold chills ran down my arms and I focused on breathing deeply._

"_You okay?" he asked. "Do you need to, ah…"_

_I shook my head and reached for the cup of Sprite beside me. I took a long sip, and opened my eyes. "I'm fine. Just sometimes when I move it hits me." He gave me a skeptical look and I grinned at him and rolled my eyes. "I promise I won't puke on you, okay?"_

_He smirked at that and chuckled lightly. "You should get some sleep. That should help."_

_I gave him a bored look and huffed. "Yeah, well, you try sleeping when your stomach is attempting to leap from your body. It's not easy."_

_He nodded. "Fair point. You've been sick like this before, though, right? As a kid? Everyone has, and you slept then, didn't you?"_

_I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment and then nodded. "Sure, but that was different."_

"_How was it different?" Nate asked. "Maybe if you figure that out you could get some sleep."_

"_It was different because I had my mom. She knew how to get me to sleep when I was little," I said with a soft smile._

"_What did she do?" Nate asked as he sat down in a chair next to the couch._

"_She would sit next to me in bed and hold me and sing to me. She would always sing 'Bye Bye Blackbird.' I don't know why, but that would always put me to sleep. It was soothing, you know?" I told him honestly._

_Nate looked at me for a moment as if he were considering something. "Then maybe that's what we need to do."_

_I lifted a brow at him. "And how are you going to do that? Are you going to use your amazing wizard powers to magically teleport my mom here?"_

_He smirked at me. "I see someone's taught you how to properly apply sarcasm."_

"_That would be Caitlyn and your ex-girlfriend," I told him with a chuckle._

_He shook his head and grinned in amusement. "Two very good people to learn from. They use it often. I didn't mean we find a way to bring your mom here."_

"_Then what did you mean?" I asked._

_Nate was silent for a moment and took a deep breath before he looked over at me and asked, "Scoot over?"_

"_What are you going to do?" I asked as I hesitantly and carefully shifted to give Nate room to squeeze in beside me on the couch._

_He sat down and then moved to wrap an arm around me._

"_Whoa, hold on," I said as I held up a hand to stop him. "What are you doing?"_

"_Putting my arms around you…"_

"_Like a hug? Seriously? I don't think you've ever even touched my arm or shoulder before."_

_He rolled his eyes and huffed. "Do you want to go to sleep?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Then shut up and go with it, El. Okay?" Nate said softly. "I'm trying to help."_

"_Fine," I said with a nod as he slipped his arms around my shoulders and held me against his chest. I tensed a bit at first, but after a while it didn't feel so strange to have Nate's arms wrapped around me._

"_Just relax, Ella," Nate said. I could feel his chin against the top of my head. This was definitely different for us. But as soon as Nate began to sing I felt my discomfort ease a bit. My body, which had been uncomfortable and miserable all day, suddenly felt soothed. I smiled warmly as my eyelids began to drift closed._

Hm,_ I thought as I began to fall asleep._ Maybe Nate's sweeter than I thought…

* * *

><p>That moment had changed a lot between us. Nate didn't really hug anyone as a rule. He just didn't. Casual touches weren't his thing. But after that I was one of the only people he would actually hug. Not a lot, but more often than most. And from then on we were both strangely protective of each other.<p>

Around that time Nate had decided to record a solo project. He'd spent nearly a month talking it out with Jason and Shane to make sure they were comfortable with it and that they understood it by no means meant he was leaving Connect Three. He'd been very careful not to offend them or anyone else. I remembered I'd bumped into a fan outside the venue before a show during the tour who was shooting off her mouth about how Nate Gray was forsaking the band for his own selfish career goals. She'd called Nate lots of terrible things, and I knew I should have walked away and left it alone, but I couldn't. I'd told the girl exactly what I thought. It was the most honest and blunt I had ever been in my life. The girl looked ashamed and deeply offended as I walked away.

By the time I'd reached backstage the guys had heard about it already. Nate had smiled at me and given me a nearly Jason-sized hug. There had been many other incidents where I just couldn't stop myself from defending Nate, even from my own friends. Caitlyn had complained about Nate once and I had snapped at her in irritation. Nate was protective of me too. He'd told me later that he'd once overheard the wardrobe assistants talking about me behind my back. He'd given them a stony glare and threatened them in a very cool yet deadly manner. After I heard that I understood why those particular assistants didn't last the whole tour. He'd scared them to death. He'd also told me he'd almost gotten a new member of their security team fired when he'd made comments about my figure to Oliver, their bus driver.

I sighed and smiled softly into my wine glass. _That_ was a good tour. When it ended I'd built a friendship with Nate that hadn't been there before. The more time we spent together the more I began to think Nate and I had the potential to be so much more. But I'd had no idea he was starting to think so too. And I wasn't one to wait around for something that might never happen.

* * *

><p><em>Caitlyn, Nate, and me had all gone out to lunch. Nate and Caitlyn were working on a mix for his album, and had ended up taking a lunch break at the same time as me. Nate had called and asked if I wanted to join them and I'd gladly accepted. We were now on our way back to my office from the restaurant down the street. I casually sipped on the straw in my to go cup as we walked. I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder and turned to Caitlyn suddenly.<em>

"_Oh!" I exclaimed. "Guess what I'm doing tonight?"_

"_What?" Caitlyn asked from my left. _

"_I've got a date with Brody," I told her with a grin. "You know Mitchie's new PR guy?"_

_Nate's brow furrowed. "You know Mitchie's new PR guy? How?"_

"_I'm working on Mitchie's tour wardrobe for her headlining tour. I see him at her rehearsals all the time," I told him. "He tells me his ideas for the wardrobe, I write them down, and occasionally there's flirting."_

_Caitlyn chuckled. "Occasionally?"_

"_Okay, there's _always_ flirting," I said with a laugh. "But can you blame me? He's cute."_

"_Do you know anything about this guy?" Nate asked with a blank expression._

_I shrugged. "Not really, but that's the point of a date, right? To get to know someone? Are you okay?"_

"_So, you're just dating some random guy that works for Mitchie that you don't really know?" Nate asked as he tensed._

"_Um, yes?" I said in an unsure tone. Why did Nate seem so…repressed?_

"_Okay, so what if I just decided to date…the new intern Caitlyn hired? What then?" he asked expectantly. _

_I exchanged a confused look with Caitlyn before I answered hesitantly. "Um, I would say…good for you, Nate? Are you upset with me or something?"_

"_No! No, I'm not upset with you," he said in an unconvincing tone. "I just don't see why you're going out with this Brody guy."_

"_Well, he's cute and…he asked," I told him truthfully. "That's important, you know. The asking me out part. Not many people do that, to be honest."_

_Caitlyn gave Nate a suspicious look. "Nate, you're acting like Shane when Mitchie has a writing session with Christopher Wilde."_

_His jaw tightened and he made a frustrated noise. "I am not."_

"_You kind of are," Caitlyn said with a secretive smirk as we reached the outside of my office building._

_What did that mean? How did Shane act when Mitchie had a writing session with Chris Wilde? I really didn't understand where this conversation was going._

"_Well, this is my stop. This was…weird. I'll see you guys later," I said as I turned and headed inside. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Caitlyn and Nate having a quiet conversation. I shrugged and continued on my way. They were probably arguing over something that had to do with the album. As I reached the elevators in the back of the lobby I felt a hand on my arm. I jumped and turned quickly to find Nate standing behind me. "Nate! You scared me!"_

"_I—sorry. I didn't mean to."_

"_That's okay, what's up?" I asked as I tilted my head to the left._

"_Do you, um, want to go to dinner sometime?" Nate asked as he ran a hand through his curls and looked at me hopefully._

_My eyebrows flew upward. "Dinner? As in…a date-type dinner?"_

_He nodded. "Yes, a date-type dinner."_

_I smiled brightly at him and bit my lip. "I'd love to. Tomorrow?"_

_He smiled and hugged me quickly. "Yes, tomorrow. Are you working late?"_

_I nodded and blushed as he pulled away. "Yeah, till seven. You?"_

"_About the same. Why don't I just pick you up here at seven? Sound good?"_

"_Sounds perfect, Nate." I told him with a happy sigh. My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered something. "Oh! I forgot about Brody!"_

_Nate's smile immediately fell. "What about him?"_

"_Well, I'm supposed to go out with him tonight, remember?" I asked as an amused grin formed on my face. Jealous Nate was sort of cute._

"_Right, okay, sorry," Nate said tersely as he turned on his heel to leave. I caught his arm and turned him back around to face me._

"_Well," I said with a teasing smirk. "I guess I _could_ call him and tell him the date is off."_

_He gave me a crooked smile. "Yes, you certainly could."_

* * *

><p>Our first date was absolutely perfect. He'd hired someone to come to his house and set up a very nice dinner for the two of us. There were candles and soft music, and flirty conversations. It was one of the best dates I had ever been on. And every date that followed with Nate was wonderful too. Three months passed and I remember I was happier than I'd been in a very long time. We'd reached a place where we were comfortable around each other. In just a few months Nate had gone from a friend that barely touched me to my boyfriend who wasn't really afraid to give me a hug or hold my hand or just be affectionate in general. He was more so in private, but he definitely wasn't shy around our friends.<p>

I frowned at my empty glass and poured myself more wine. It seemed to warm me as I took another sip. The more I drank, and the more I thought about Nate, the more I could almost _feel_ him next to me. It was like he was right there holding my hand.

But he wasn't. So instead I drank more wine. It made it easier to think back and remember why he made me so happy. The happy memories made me miss him even more. I _love_ him, but I'd never told him. I was afraid I would scare him away. Nate is fiercely loyal and stubborn and very sweet when he wants to be, but when it comes to expressing his emotions he's hesitant to do so without music. This is something I always knew about him, even before we were close. So there was no way I was going to risk telling him how I felt before I even suspected he _could_ feel the same.

But I missed him. It had only been a few days, and still I missed him so much that it physically hurt. I missed just having him around and being able to feel him in the room with me. As much as I occasionally wished he would actually take me _out_, I still adored every night in with him. There was nothing like watching a movie while snuggling into Nate's arms. Being with him felt warm, safe, _comfortable_.

And we spent so many nights in that we'd really had a chance to get to know each other. Nate truly felt like my best friend. He still knows me better than Mitchie or even Peggy. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the last time I'd really spent time with him before it all went downhill.

* * *

><p><em>I knocked on Nate's door and waited rather impatiently for him to answer. When the door finally opened I was yanked inside and pressed against the door as it closed. Before I could say a word Nate's lips were covering mine. I was surprised at first, but as his hand lightly traced down the length of my arm I parted my lips and sunk into it. My hands slid up his chest, over his shoulders, and into his hair as he continued to kiss me. After several minutes he pulled away and smirked at me. <em>

"_You're late," He said with a raised brow._

"_I called," I told him. "I told you I would be late."_

"_Still," Nate said with a playful glare. "You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I'm not that patient when it comes to our dates."_

_I chuckled at him. "Then blame Mitchie. She had a fashion emergency that couldn't be put off."_

"_Oh, believe me, I will be having words with her later."_

_I shook my head in amusement and smiled at him. "Please tell me you have food?"_

_He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and smiled softly at me. "You know me better than to think I'd let you starve."_

"_Good," I said with a happy sigh. "I'm _so_ hungry."_

_He laced his fingers through mine and led me toward his kitchen. The minute my eyes fell on the large foil dish on the counter I smiled. He'd ordered Italian. "Oh my God, Fettuccine Alfredo!" I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him quickly. "You're amazing!"_

_He laughed as I released him. "I thought you'd be happy about that."_

_We quickly prepared our plates then moved into his living room. I let Nate sit down first then I sat down next to him and spread my legs across his lap. He quirked an eyebrow at me and grinned in amusement._

"_What?" I asked expectantly._

"_You think you own my couch, don't you?" He asked teasingly._

_I laughed. "Well, I'm here enough."_

_He started the movie and we watched it as we ate. The plates were put aside as soon as _we finished eating _ and I was all but pulled into Nate's lap. _

"_Hello," He said with a smirk as he leaned in closer to me._

"_Hello," I repeated with a small smile. "Is there a reason you wanted me in your lap? I mean we have this whole couch to spread out on."_

"_True, but I like this better. Cozier this way, don't you think?" He asked in a devious tone._

"_Definitely," I agreed. "But it distracts from the movie."_

"_Ells," Nate said with a chuckle. "That's kind of the point."_

"_But I thought you really wanted to watch this movie? You pouted last time cause I made you rent _Enchanted_ when you really wanted to order this one."_

"_I've got it for two days. I can watch it later," He told me with a smirk. _

_I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him. "You aren't going to stop until I kiss you, are you?"_

"_Probably not, no."_

_I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled teasingly at him. "You're ridiculous."_

"_So are you, babe," He said with a grin as he poked my side. I squealed lightly and tried to wiggle away but he held me closer._

"_I hate it when you do that."_

"_If you'd quit being so difficult I wouldn't have to do that," Nate told me with a pointed stare._

_I twirled a few of his curls around one of my fingers and smiled as he closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. He let out a very soft moan, and my smile grew. I loved that I had an effect on him. The fact that the very simple of act of my hands in his hair cause this reaction was something I was extremely proud of. The minute he closed his eyes I lowered my face until it was even with his and very lightly brushed his lips with mine. I felt his hands grip my waist tighter and I pulled back very slightly. _

"_Okay, I kissed you," I said with a smirk. "Happy?" _

"_Ella Pador, that was not fair."_

_I giggled at his frustrated expression, and feigned innocence. "What?"_

_He growled and my eyebrows rose. I'd never heard him do that before. He slowly pushed me back onto the couch and I could feel my heart beat speeding up as we both stretched out across his couch. He finally kissed me, and it wasn't like any kiss we'd shared before. It was eager and urgent and…passionate. I whimpered as my lips parted and I felt his hands against my skin. Apparently my shirt had ridden up and now Nate was touching the bare skin on my back. It felt wonderful. _

_He pulled away and grinned at me. "Now _that_ was a kiss_. _See the difference?"_

_I laughed loudly and rested my head against his chest. "Oh yes, I certainly see the difference."_

* * *

><p>Something was missing from this scene I'd set up for myself. I had wine, and only had a few of my lights on so the atmosphere <em>seemed<em> set. But something was missing. I spotted a small votive candle in the middle of my breakfast bar and grinned. That was it. To truly achieve this seen of deep reminiscing I needed candle light. I moved to hop off the counter and winced. I was stiff and sore and my butt was starting to fall asleep.

Okay, I needed candle light and maybe a softer seat. I moved my wine glass and bottle to the coffee table and then gathered the candles I had spread across the apartment and lit them. It was perfect. Beautiful. Everything looked so romantic. Even if I was alone and in my old cropped Donald Duck shirt and ratty blue gym shorts from middle school. I curled up on one end of the couch and admired my living room as the soft glow flickered across the walls.

The lighting somehow made me feel…comforted. Like that last memory of Nate had. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be _with_ him and in his arms. That memory had reminded me. I wanted to be in those arms again. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. I wanted to hear him teasing me like he used to.

I wanted _him_. But most of all…I wanted _him_ to want _me_.

I didn't know if he really did anymore, though. The last time we'd spoken without yelling at each other had been over the phone, but even then he'd been acting odd. I _still_ didn't understand it.

* * *

><p><em>How many times had the phone rang so far? I'd lost count. Finally, he answered. <em>

"_Ells?"_

"_Hey, babe. How's tour lately?"_

"_Oh, you know, its tour. There's always something to do."_

"_Is it weird being out there by yourself yet?" I asked. I knew he had been nervous about that in the past. _

"_It's still weird. I'm just so used to being able to look over either shoulder and find Shane or Jason, you know?"_

"_I know," I said sympathetically. "Have you talked to them lately?"_

"_Um, yeah." _

_There was something in his tone that worried me. There was something he was keeping from me. "Is everything okay? You sound weird."_

"_It's all good, Ella. I promise."_

"_You sure? You guys didn't have a fight or anything, did you?" I asked him nervously. I hadn't heard anything from Mitchie or Caitlyn, but there was something about what they'd talked about that he didn't wish to discuss. I could tell._

"_No, no fight. Really," He said with a small chuckle. "You're starting to worry like me."_

_I sighed. "I know. You just sound off, that's all."_

"_Just a little tired of traveling I guess," He said. "I miss you."_

_I smiled softly at that. "I miss you too."_

_I bit my lip and wondered if he knew what I really meant. Did he know that every time we talked and I said, "I miss you" that I really meant, "I love you"? Probably not. The boy was painfully dense, after all. _

"_So," I said as I put an end to the silence that lingered between us. "What do you want to do when you come home in two weeks? Do you think you'll feel like celebrating or what?"_

_He chuckled. "You're excited for me to get back aren't you?"_

"_Of course I am, Nate. Do you know how boring life is when you're not here?" I asked teasingly. "Besides I miss hearing you groan in the background every time I watch a romantic comedy."_

_He laughed awkwardly and then fell silent. I bit my bottom lip as awkwardness suddenly filled the air between us. What had happened? Had I said something I shouldn't have? _

"_Nate?" I asked fearfully. "Still there?"_

"_Oh, yeah. Security just brought me a package…from you."_

_I struggled to smile. It should have been easy to smile but his tone…didn't sound happy. He sounded…confused. "You were on tour for your birthday, remember?"_

"_Yes, but you gave me a birthday present before I left."_

_I shrugged before I realized he couldn't hear that. "Well, I saw it and I thought of you. Is that okay? I mean it's just a cup and a saucer that look like a record player. Nothing elaborate or expensive. It just reminded me of you. Should I…should I not have done that? It's okay if you don't like it. I can return it."_

"_No," He said softly. "I…love…it, really. I don't want to return it. Ella, I…"_

"_Yes?" I asked expectantly._

"_I have to go," he said suddenly. "I'm sorry. Now's just not a very good time to talk."_

"_Oh," I said as I felt disappointment creeping up on me. "Well, that's fine. If you can't talk then you can't talk. Um, just…call me whenever you're free? I really do miss you."_

_Love. I really do _love_ you, I thought._

"_Of course, Ells. Promise. Talk to you later."_

"_Later, Nate. Miss you."_

"…_you too," He said hesitantly before he hung up. _

_As the dial tone hit my ear I realized he'd left out the word "miss". Did that mean something? Or was I just reading too much into it? I sighed and closed my phone. I'd have to wait until our next phone call to find out, I supposed._

* * *

><p>Only the next phone call never came, and I was left to make a list of all the ways it could have been <em>my<em> fault. But sometime after my third unreturned voice mail I realized…

This wasn't my fault at all. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I'd purposely avoided telling him I loved him out of fear of scaring him away. If anything I'd been _extra _considerate when it came to the progression of our relationship. If this was anyone's fault it was Nate's. I sighed and took another sip of wine. I just wish I knew what went wrong.

What changed? What happened to suddenly make him want to avoid me? Was it the stupid mug? I really didn't mean anything by it. I just thought he'd like it. Was that so wrong? If all of _this_ was because of that mug then maybe I _didn't_ want him back.

But I don't actually think it was the mug. That didn't sound like Nate. It had to be about something else. I wished, that instead of picking a fight with me, he'd just explained what happened. There was something he hadn't told me during our last phone conversation and I wanted to know what it was. I had a feeling that his avoidance and our argument came from whatever it was that he was hiding from me.

There was a loud demanding knock at my door and I jumped suddenly. I glanced down at my watch and frowned. It was two in the morning. Who was knocking like _that_ at two in the morning? I got up and slowly walked to the door. Whoever it was was _still_ knocking. I stood on my tiptoes and glanced through my peephole. I gasped and jumped away from the door as if it had suddenly caught fire.

Nate. Nate was standing outside of my door. He was muttering to himself and pacing back and forth. I bit my bottom lip and debated the option of not opening the door. He knocked again, and I knew that wouldn't be possible. When Nate set his mind to something he didn't give up until he'd done it. If he wanted to talk to me then he wasn't going to leave until he did. I took a deep breath, and opened the door. I didn't undo the chain, though, so the door only opened a crack. I gulped nervously as he turned eager eyes on me.

"Nate, it's two in the morning. What are you doing here?" I asked.

"We need to talk," He said simply. To someone who didn't know him he would've looked perfectly calm, but I could tell he was nervous. Terrified, actually. His eyes were wide and the rest of his face was far too blank.

I couldn't seem to stop the words that came out of my mouth next. Some deep resentment somewhere in me bubbled to the surface before I could stop it. "I thought you didn't owe me an explanation. Isn't that what you said?"

He glanced down at the floor with a guilty expression. "That is what I said."

"Well, if you don't owe me an explanation then what can we _possibly_ talk about?" I asked with a glare. I was angry. _Very angry_. And yet my heart had jumped into my throat at the sight of him. I wanted to kiss him senseless and smack him repeatedly at the same time. How messed up was I?

He took a deep breathe and looked back up at me. "I was wrong, Ella. You deserve to know. I just…wasn't prepared to talk about it last time."

"So, instead of saying that you decided to make me feel like I meant absolutely nothing to you," I said with a terse nod as I felt my eyes watering. Nate sucked in a breath and his eyes briefly shone with regret before I continued speaking softly. "I can see how that would make sense."

"Ella," Nate said quietly. "Can I come in? Please?"

"I don't know," I told him honestly as I bit my bottom lip to keep my chin from quivering. "I'm not sure if I should."

"Ells," he said in a tone that was just above a whisper. "Please."

I sniffled as my eyes watered even more and I nodded mutely. He was begging. He never begged for anything. I couldn't refuse him after that. I just couldn't. I shut the door momentarily and undid the chain. I reopened the door and held it open for Nate to step through. His arm brushed my stomach as he squeezed passed me and everything in me clenched. He was here. He was actually here. The fact that we were in the same room again left me with the sudden urge to jump him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss him with everything I had. But I refused to let myself do either of those things. I was still upset with him.

He glanced around the apartment before looking back to me. He'd noticed the candles and the wine. I saw his eyes flash with something before he took a calming breath and spoke. "Did I—did I interrupt something? Do you have company?"

I shook my head. "No, just me."

I felt his eyes on me as I turned on the living room light and went around blowing out the candles. When I turned around I saw his eyes scanning the length of my body. His line of sight went from my bare feet up my legs and then stopped on my eyes. "You opened a bottle of wine and lit candles…for yourself?"

I don't know why that question irritated me, but it did. "Yes, _for myself_. It made me feel better, okay?"

His face softened and he nodded. "I see."

Awkwardness filled the air around us, and I was suddenly saddened by it. What happened to us? We used to be able to talk about anything. There was rarely ever an awkward moment between us before. I felt my face began to scrunch up unattractively as the water pooling in my eyes increased. I covered my mouth with my hand and looked away from Nate. I didn't want to cry. I hadn't cried all night long, and I didn't want to start now.

But I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew it was on the verge of sobbing. I was taking hiccupping breaths and my chin was quivering pathetically.

"E—Ella?" Nate asked hesitantly.

I took a deep breath and furiously wiped my cheeks. "I don't understand, Nate. I don't understand any of this. We were fine. We were happy, and then all of a sudden…you just stopped. You stopped talking to me and it felt like you stopped…caring."

He stepped toward me and reached for my hand. I didn't stop him. I didn't want to stop him. He brought the back of my hand to his lips and then held my hand against his chest. I didn't dare look at him. I was still having a hard time keeping myself from crying.

"I still care, Ella. I know I haven't been acting like it, but I have never stopped caring for you. More than you know or even I knew myself," He said honestly. "I've been a jackass, Ells. I have. I know that, and I regret that so much. You didn't deserve any of what's happened over the last week. You're…you're wonderful. God, Ella, you're practically perfect. You're so patient and caring, and _I_ don't deserve it. Please…forgive me?"

I pulled my hand from his and shook my head. "I—I can't, Nate. Not until…I know _why_. At first I thought—I thought _I_ did something wrong. That I pushed you somehow. But…I didn't. I've never once pressured you for anything. I…I even held back a few things because I didn't want to scare you away. So, why did you push me away? Why?"

I risked a look at him and saw him furrowing his brow at me. "What did you hold back?"

"Th—that's not what this is about," I said fearfully. I'd said too much. If I told him how I felt now he would _certainly_ run away. "I asked you first."

"I was stupid and…scared. I thought I needed time away from you to think, but I went about _everything_ all wrong, Ella. I did so much wrong to you especially."

"What were you scared of?" I asked curiously as I caught his eye.

"A couple of things," he said with a nervous gulp.

"Like?" I asked eagerly. I _needed_ to know.

"The guys were pressuring me to take our relationship public, for one," He said.

Now it was my turn to gulp. But it wasn't a nervous gulp. I was thrilled at just the _idea_ of that. "P-public? You mean…we would actually go _out_ places…with each other? And people would see us?"

"Yes," Nate said with a sigh. "They kept saying it wasn't fair to you to keep it private anymore—"

"They were right," I told him sternly. "It's not fair."

"What?" He asked me in surprise.

"I—I wanted to be seen out and about with you, Nate. I mean our night's in were great, but…is it wrong that I want to show my boyfriend off a bit? I mean it's not even that you're Nate Gray of Connect Three. I just…I just want to be seen with the man I'm in love with. That's reasonable, right?"

His eyes widened. "In love?"

I gasped and winced. Oh no, _oh no! _"Oh God. I didn't mean to say that."

"You love me?" He asked.

I bit my lip and nodded. No sense denying it now. "Yes."

Realization dawned in his eyes. "That's what you held back, isn't it? For how long, Ells?"

"I—I'm not sure," I answered honestly. I didn't know _when_ I'd fallen in love with him. I just knew I had.

"Okay," he said as he reached for my hand again and laced our fingers together. "Then when did you first realize it? You must remember that."

"Three months ago," I said quietly.

"And you didn't tell me…because you didn't want to scare me away?" Nate asked.

I nodded and looked down at the floor. I used my free hand to reach for my wine glass but Nate grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"I don't think you need that," he said. "Besides, you haven't heard the other thing that scared me yet."

It didn't really matter anymore. He was probably going to run away and never look back after what I'd just admitted. "What?"

"Every time I thought of you the word love came to mind," Nate said as he slowly pulled me closer. "Do you know how many times I've actually been in _love_ before?"

I shook my head and took a sharp breath as Nate trailed the fingers on his other hand up my arm lightly. "How many?"

"Once. With Dana. And now twice, including you."

I blinked as I tried to process his words. I smiled slowly. "What?"

"I love you, Ella. And it scared me when I realized it. I thought it might be too soon. You're more emotional than I am and you'd given me no sign that you…I thought I was falling too hard and too fast," He told her honestly. "But instead of actually talking all of this out with you I…I avoided you. I shouldn't have done that. I only hurt myself and, even worse, I hurt you. I _never_ wanted to hurt you. I _love_ you. Forgive me?"

I felt like I could fly at that point. He _loved_ me. He'd scared _himself_. Yes, he'd made several mistakes, but…_he loved me_. I jumped and threw my arms around his neck. I felt his arms wrap around me and hold me tighter. I pulled back and placed several short celebratory kisses on his lips and then smiled brightly at him. "Yes, you're totally forgiven."

"Are you sure?" He asked in between kisses.

I smiled against his lips and then pulled away. "Nate, I was only upset with you because I thought you didn't care about _us_ as much as I did, and now that I know just how much you really _do_ care…God, I could not be happier. I've _missed_ you. So much."

He smiled and sighed happily. His thumb absently rubbed circles on my back and his other hand cupped my elbow. I had one hand on the back of his neck and the other spread against his chest. This was exactly where I'd wanted to be for days now. With him, in his arms. He said nothing before he gently pressed his lips against mine for a longer kiss. A strange moan left my throat just before I felt Nate trace my bottom lip with his tongue. I gasped and Nate took full advantage of my parted lips and deepened the kiss. His arms met behind my back and wrapped around me completely while I slid my hands up to cradle either side of his face. My hands just barely slipping into his curls on both sides and he made a strange throaty noise into my mouth.

I could feel him backing us up toward the couch. His leg hit my coffee table and I knew it had to hurt but he didn't seem to notice. I heard something fall to the floor and was suddenly grateful that I'd blown out all the candles earlier. At this rate my apartment would've been on fire already if I hadn't. He turned us and I felt the back of my legs brush against the couch. I tore my lips from his just long enough to settle into the couch and pull him down with me. Half his weight was on top of me but I didn't care. It actually felt sort of nice after days of being without him.

And then suddenly his lips were on mine again. One of his hands started lightly trailing up and down the outside of my thigh and I knew…this was going to get very intense, very quickly. I could feel the frame of the couch poking into my back, and my neck was at an odd angle thanks to the arm rest…

"Nate," I said quickly as his lips left mine for a split second. He moved and began kissing my neck. Breathing suddenly became very difficult once I felt his tongue on my skin. "Oh God, Nate?"

Then his teeth dragged across my skin and I gasped. Oh good God. He was determined.

"Nate?" I said again as I brought my hands to his chest and pushed lightly. He reluctantly pulled away and looked at me questioningly.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"This couch is not comfortable. The frame is digging into my back."

He smirked and quirked a brow at me. "I see. So, are you suggesting we stop or—"

"No!" I yelled impulsively. I blushed and cleared my throat. "I—I mean, no. Can we find another spot, though?"

"And where would you suggest?" He asked with a grin as we both stood up.

I reached for my glass of wine and quickly downed the rest of it one gulp. I reached out and laced my fingers through his. I glanced back toward my bedroom and grinned. "Oh, I think I know a _very_ good spot."

I led him down the small hallway, but stopped in the middle to kiss him quickly.

"I love you, Nate." I told him as I took a slow deep breath. I breathed in his scent and immediately felt a sense of comfort that had been missing until now. _This_ was perfect.

"I love you too, Ells," He said as he gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "And for the record, I've missed you more than you will _ever_ know."

So, I'd resolved my fight with Nate, but it _still_ didn't look like I was going to be getting much sleep tonight. And honestly?

I didn't even care.


End file.
